What if You're Not Failing - You're Just Carrying Too Much, Too Alone?
- Danielle Dryden
- Jul 1
- 9 min read
Feeling constantly behind, overstimulated, and ashamed of struggling?
This might not be “just burnout” – it could be the unique exhaustion of living with both Autism and ADHD (less formally known as AuDHD). Here is how to name it, and begin to feel seen.
You forget what calm feels like?
There’s always something buzzing—inside your chest, your mind, the room. The lights are too sharp. Conversations feel like noise instead of connection. The to-do list loops endlessly, yet nothing gets finished. Your brain bounces between tasks like an overloaded browser—tabs flashing, none fully loading.
And beneath the surface? Shame.
Why can’t I keep up? Why do I feel behind before the day even starts? Everyone else seems to manage—what’s wrong with me?
If any part of that sounds familiar, pause here.
Because maybe—just maybe—you’re not failing.
Maybe you’re living in a world built for a different kind of brain—and doing it while holding up the emotional scaffolding of your job, your family, your relationships, and the expectations no one else even sees.
Maybe you're the one people lean on to stay calm in chaos, the one who remembers what everyone else forgot, the one who translates between people and systems—and never lets it show when you're the one barely holding on. And when you carry all that while navigating the push-pull tension of both ADHD and Autism—sensory overload and executive shutdown, craving structure but rebelling against it—it’s no wonder you feel like you’re breaking.
This isn’t weakness. It’s weight.
Let’s name that weight—not to shame it, but to finally stop blaming yourself for feeling crushed beneath it.
The Rucksack of Roles Only You Feel the Weight Of.
Imagine you’re wearing a rucksack.
At first glance, it might not seem heavy. Maybe you’ve even trained yourself to carry it so well that others don’t notice it at all (think autistic masking). But if we could unzip it, what would fall out?
A series of bricks. Each one labelled with a role you hold—some chosen, some thrust upon you:“Colleague.” “Caretaker.” “Partner.” “Planner.” “Therapist.” “Messenger.” “Fixer.”And for many neurodivergent people, especially those with both Autism and ADHD, one brick that weighs more than most: “Professional Masker.”
Each of these roles pulls in a different direction. Your ADHD craves freedom, movement, spontaneity. Your Autism leans toward predictability, routine, control. Some days, your brain races with 1,000 ideas and zero follow-through. Other days, it shuts down entirely when you’re asked to pivot—again.
You might find yourself caught in the paradox of being the social one who needs hours alone to recover… or the planner who forgets every appointment unless it’s color-coded, repeated, and written in three places. This contradiction isn’t confusion—it’s your brain trying to survive two operating systems at once.
And still, most people only see what you do—not what it costs.
They see the project completed, not the executive dysfunction loop it took to start.
They hear you advocate calmly for someone else, but not the meltdown you held back earlier in the car.
They praise your insight or patience, unaware you’ve been scripting, buffering, and regulating for hours—while barely holding onto your own sense of safety.
This is the weight of invisible labour. It’s cognitive. It’s emotional. It’s sensory. And it doesn’t show up on your calendar, but it shapes every hour of your day.
You’re not imagining the heaviness. You’re just not allowed to put the rucksack down.
Section 2: This Isn’t Typical Burnout—It’s AuDHD Burnout
You’ve likely heard the word “burnout” tossed around in articles, podcasts, or Instagram squares: Take a break. Get more sleep. Meditate. Set boundaries.
But what happens when the burnout you’re experiencing doesn’t respond to those things?
What if you’ve already done the yoga, the deep breathing, the early nights—and still feel like you're crumbling from the inside out?
This is where AuDHD burnout enters the picture—and it’s a different animal altogether.
For those with both Autism and ADHD, burnout doesn’t just come from doing too much. It comes from doing too much in constant contradiction with your own nervous system.
You live every day pulled between two sets of needs:
The ADHD part of you craves stimulation, novelty, freedom.
The Autistic part of you craves predictability, quiet, and routine.
When the world demands both structure and spontaneity, both emotional expression and tone policing, both high productivity and zero visible needs—something has to give. And often, that something is you.
What AuDHD burnout can look like:
You can't start anything, even things you enjoy. Not work, not rest, not even texting back.
Tiny tasks—an email, a conversation—leave you emotionally raw for hours.
You feel split down the middle: craving chaos and hating it. Needing calm and resisting it.
Sudden changes send you spiralling. Your words dry up mid-sentence, or your tone comes out wrong and you spiral in shame.
You have meltdowns in private—behind closed doors, in your car, or locked in the bathroom—then emerge as if nothing happened.
And afterward? You often blame yourself.
You call it laziness. Or weakness. Or failure.
But here’s the truth:
You are not unmotivated. You are living in a permanent state of contradiction and demand without relief.
This isn’t about not trying hard enough. You’ve been trying harder than most people even know. It’s that trying harder has become your default setting—and your nervous system is waving a white flag.
Internalized Ableism Is a Brick, Too
There’s a specific kind of weight that doesn’t come from tasks or roles—but from the beliefs you’ve been taught to carry.
It sounds like this:
“If I can do hard things on Tuesday, why can’t I do them on Thursday?”“
If I can show up in a meeting and sound competent, maybe I’m not really struggling.”
“If I can make it work, maybe I’m just being dramatic when I say I can’t.”
This is internalized ableism—the belief that your capacity should be consistent, your needs should be invisible, and your neurodivergence only counts if it shows up loud enough to be obvious every day.
It teaches you to toggle between two extremes:
“I’m fine. I’m high-functioning.”
“I’m broken. I’m too much.”
And it leaves no room for the in-between. The human middle. The truth that most of us exist in the ebb and flow of energy, regulation, confusion, and clarity—especially in AuDHD bodies.
It’s what makes you second-guess your diagnosis.
What makes you say, “Maybe I’m just lazy.”
What makes you grit your teeth through another meltdown and whisper to yourself, “Get it together. You should be able to handle this by now.”
But the truth is, you've been holding the weight of unrealistic expectations since before you had language for them.
So let’s start loosening the grip. Let’s rewrite a few of those old scripts—gently.
Old Script | New Truth |
“I talk too much.” | “I express deeply” |
“I’m failing my kids.” | “I’m parenting while unparented myself, in a system that doesn’t support us.” |
“I’m lazy.” | “My executive function is overwhelmed, not absent.” |
“I’m dramatic.” | “I feel things intensely—and that’s not a flaw.” |
This isn’t about toxic positivity. It’s about making space for more accurate, more compassionate language—so you can stop building your identity on a foundation of survival.
Inventory the Invisible — What Are You Actually Carrying?
When people talk about “overwhelm,” they often think of tasks left undone or calendars filled to the brim.
But for AuDHD folks, the true weight often isn’t what’s visible—it’s the load you carry in silence. The invisible expectations. The energy spent translating yourself into something palatable. The effort it takes to navigate a world that wasn’t built with your brain in mind.
That’s why we created The Rucksack Reflection—a gentle, forgiving tool to help you name what you’ve been carrying, even when you didn’t have words for it.
This isn’t a checklist to fix yourself. It’s an invitation to see yourself more clearly—with tenderness.
Let’s look at some of the quiet, heavy layers that make up your daily load:
Emotional Labour
Supporting others through meltdowns, shutdowns, or dysregulation
Managing the emotions in your household or team before your own
Navigating partner conflict without enough recovery time for yourself
Sensory Overload
Constant exposure to sounds, lights, smells, textures that leave your system fried
No safe sensory space to reset—even your own home can feel too much
Noise from kids, coworkers, devices, your own inner dialogue
The ADHD Load
Struggling to start or finish basic tasks (even ones you want to do)
Time blindness: everything either feels urgent or impossible
Executive function fatigue: knowing what needs to happen, but feeling paralyzed
The Autistic Load
Masking at work, at home, in public—even when you're alone, sometimes
Sensory scripts and role-switching that leave you disconnected from self
Difficulty transitioning between activities, environments, or roles
Grieving the support, you needed but never received
Communication Fatigue
Overthinking every conversation after it ends
Worrying you talked too much or said the wrong thing
Monitoring tone, eye contact, pacing—and burning out from the performance.
We often say, “I don’t know why I’m so tired.”But when you list it like this? Of course you’re tired. You’ve been carrying all this and still showing up, still doing your best, still apologizing for not doing more.
Let The Rucksack Reflection be a place where you don’t need to justify your exhaustion. Just name it. That’s where restoration begins.
AuDHD Repair Requires More Than Rest
If you’ve ever tried to “rest” during burnout—only to feel more agitated, more disconnected, more guilty—you’re not alone.
That’s because rest, in the conventional sense, often isn’t enough when you’re living with co-occurring Autism and ADHD. AuDHD burnout is not just about being tired—it’s about being depleted at the level of identity, regulation, and belonging.
The world tells you: Take a nap. Light a candle. Go offline.But what if the source of your exhaustion isn’t sleep deprivation, but a constant internal conflict your nervous system can’t resolve?
What if “rest” still involves masking?Still involves noise, interruption, overthinking?Still involves carrying roles you can’t set down?
Here’s what real repair might look like for an AuDHD mind and body—and spoiler: it won’t look the same every day.
Sensory Relief (Not Just Relaxation)
Create “quiet corners” in your life: dim lights, soft textures, silence
Use noise-cancelling headphones even at home
Let yourself stim—rock, tap, chew, fidget—without self-censoring
Replace multitasking with mono-tasking: one thing, one sense, one space
Executive Forgiveness
Pre-decide the week’s meals (yes, repetition is a strategy, not a failure)
Use “closed tabs” time: 15 minutes daily where you don’t owe anyone anything
Set alarms for transitions, not just tasks—your brain needs prep space
Communication Scripts
When you’re out of capacity, words are hard. Use scripts like:
“I’m at my limit right now. Can we circle back later?”
“This isn’t a good time, but I want to hear you—I’ll follow up when I can.”
“I’m saying no—not because I don’t care, but because I do.”
Keep these saved in your Notes app, pinned on your fridge, or tucked in your wallet. Use them as scaffolding, not a script to perform.
Positive Psychology Reframe: Track Your Moments of Return
Instead of asking, “Am I getting better?”Ask, “When did I feel 1% more like myself?”
Then trace backward:
What made that moment possible?
Was it silence? A hug? Finishing a task? Saying no?
These moments are clues—breadcrumbs back to yourself. Repair isn’t linear. It’s relational, contextual, and deeply internal.
You don’t have to become “productive” again to be worthy of peace. You don’t have to bounce back in order to begin healing.
You’re not broken—you’re exhausted from surviving an ecosystem that never met your needs.
You Don’t Need to Prove You’re Struggling Enough to Deserve Rest
You’ve performed strength so well, people forget you’re drowning.
You’ve smiled in school meetings after crying in the car. You’ve delivered presentations while your nervous system screamed for silence. You’ve reassured others while secretly falling apart.
And because you keep showing up — because you’re “capable” — the world rarely pauses to ask, “At what cost?”
You’ve internalized the idea that unless you’re visibly unravelling, your struggle isn’t valid. That you need to earn your rest. That asking for help is a privilege, not a right.
But rest isn’t a reward for breaking down. It’s a right you’ve had all along.
You don’t need to hit rock bottom to dese rve space.You don’t need to fall apart to finally lay something down.
Recovery doesn’t come from performance.It comes from being seen — gently, fully — without needing to be fixed.
So if you’ve been waiting for someone to tell you that it’s okay to stop… this is that moment.
You’ve been resilient long enough. Let’s learn repair instead.
Download Your Copy of The Rucksack Reflection
This printable worksheet is designed for neurodivergent adults—especially those navigating life with both Autism and ADHD—who are carrying more than anyone can see.
Inside, you'll find:
A gentle self-inventory of emotional, sensory, and invisible labor
Space to name your needs without judgment
Compassionate reframes for internalized ableism
A printable format that’s minimal, clear, and forgiving
Download, print, and return to it as often as you need. You can fill it out all at once or one quiet moment at a time. There’s no wrong way to use this resource—just your way.
Need Ongoing Support?
You don’t have to carry all of this alone — or figure it out on your own pace.
1-to-1 Coaching Available Explore neurodivergent-affirming coaching tailored for AuDHD adults. Whether you're navigating burnout, masking fatigue, parenting, or identity confusion — support is available.
Prices from £35 for 30-minute sessions.
Prefer to Work Through Things in Your Own Time?Access our private neurodivergent wellbeing app with guided worksheets, gentle planning tools, and reflective writing activities — all created for the way your brain actually works.Includes:• Self-paced journaling prompts• Sensory-friendly activity planners• Emotional regulation tools• ND-affirming life scaffolds
Learn more or book a session: www.theasc-adhdhcoach.com
You’re not too much. You’re just overwhelmed. Let’s lighten the load — together.
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